Profound Love...

I am thankful for an abundance of, well, an abundance of upper respiratory bodily fluids???

That didn't sound exactly the way I meant it to...

But I am grateful for a minor inconvenience that has turned into something so over and above what I would have experienced without it. (For those who are seriously ill, please don't think that I'm saying illness is good or that I don't dread illness as much or more than the next person).

But this has been a light virus (which perhaps unfortunately has exhibited itself in an overabundance of written words... There are viruses... and there are viruses...)

I am a comfort-seeking creature... And this is never more true than when I am sick enough to justify being lazy but not too sick to enjoy all the attention and comforts of home...

I want chocolate, Jane Austen movies, chocolate, a warm blanket, chocolate, and a snuggly (ornery) little dog beside me in my favorite chair.
I want ice from Sonic and a legitimate excuse not to cook. And I want to enjoy napping without all the guilt and above all I want to read what I want to read - mostly murder mysteries, not to put too fine a point on it.

And so I have been reading for pleasure and it was with a bit of a sigh that I realized Sunday night that I would soon need to put the "fun" stuff aside and get back into my new Bible study - whose daily lessons were turning out to be a lot more time consuming than I expected. A LOT more time consuming....

I mean the first four daily lesssons were about 10 times longer than the whole chapter they were meant to delineate. I mean... honestly.. in answering those questions, I'm pretty sure that i wrote more than the apostle John did eons ago when he wrote the first chapter (all ten verses) of his first letter.

And yet...

And yet...

Yesterday morning I sat down with my plethora of multi-colored pens and highlighters, my Bible study notebook, and my Bible - comfy chair, blanket, and Gracie beside me. My plan was to knock out the last lesson from week 1 - I was behind - and then go on to do days 1 and 2 of this new week.

But that didn't happen because somewhere along the way, God arrested my attention and I found myself spellbound, really contemplating words I thought I knew. I managed to get through day 5 and that was all.

But it wasn't. Because now I couldn't wait until the evening when I could start on week 2, day 1. I looked forward to a quiet evening after everyone was in bed, a time when I could curl up next to the vaporizer in the spare room, snuggle down (this time with a different dog, Buddie... smile emoticon, and just let God be God. I felt an anticipation that somehow, as cheesy at it sounds, that eternity would once again light up my little cluttered room here in the 'hood.

And it did. Not in the way I expected. This time I found all my deep questions coming to the surface; I found myself pouring out all the "whys" that are part and parcel of the baggage that I subconsciously carry. But the question marks weren't punctuated by whines or self-pity - only a certainty that God had invited me (and all of us) to call unto Him, giving us His unbreakable word that if we do that, He will hear us and He will tell us things that are too great and mighty for us to discern on our own. And I fell asleep in that assurance - that He heard me and that He would reveal whatever I needed to know.

This morning I woke up with that same sense of expectancy - of meeting Him once again in a quiet house with a quiet heart. I opened my notebook which now has every ink color in the rainbow traced on every page that I've read and I knew He had something for me.

And He did.

His answer to my questions? Himself.

I read the other day that when Martha and Mary were grieving over the death of their brother Lazarus, Jesus didn't explain everything. Instead he offered Himself as the balm to their deep hurt by saying, "I am the life." (John 11:25)

At the time that I read that, it didn't make a lot of sense to me. This morning it did.

But that wasn't all...

If you are willing to set aside some time (you can always pray for a small virus...)

OOPs... Let me try that again!

If you are willing to set aside some time because you recognize a need to make a quiet space in your life for Jesus, because you need to hear from Him - then I highly recommend Kelly Minter's study guide "What Love Is".

I have loved/enjoyed just about every Bible study I have ever done. But there are only two that I would describe as profound.

And this is one of them.

Powerful Weapons

     We all have the capacity to hurt others.  I know I have certainly done my share of causing others pain but I don't think it was ever my intent to hurt anyone.  Immaturity, selfishness, responding to slights (and imagined hurts) can cause us all to lash out when it would be better to keep our thoughts uppermost and our emotions secondary.
     But there are people who intend to do evil.   They seem to lack the capacity to empathize with others and they have tunnel vision: it's literally all about them.  They can be nice to people, even seem to be genuinely compassionate - but it's really a game, nothing more or less.  Exploitation is the name of this game:  as long as you are useful to me, I will flatter you, encourage you, and help you.  When I've gotten what I want, I'm done and you are toast.
    This is sad.  This is a sad way to live - eventually people wise up and the abuser is left with a smaller and smaller group of people to use.  I would go even further and say that since these people don't truly bond with others, they pretty much live with a  sometimes surface triumph but an inner void within.  If you've ever known the joy of true love and/or companionship, you know what these people don't understand - that while they may get their way (at the expense of others), they are missing out on the best that life has to offer.
    So it can be tough to be run over by these emotionally deficient people but the truth is that the victims often have a much richer life than their abusers because they can pick up, go on, and find true friendship.
    But what about the other victims - the newbies?  The ones that you see currently falling into the spider's net?
    Evil people, like their unrecognized Master, can appear as angels of light if not angels of mercy.  When people first come under their influence, there isn't much of anything that a sadder but wiser person can do to break that spell over the newest victims.
    As Christians, it's important (and, for me, hard) to recognize where my weaknesses kick in and God's strength begins to operate in might and power.   Although it's not God's best and highest will for someone to fall into the hands of a conscienceless person, He has a sovereign purpose even for that and He is more than able to deal with it.
   As the abuser's facade begins to crack, you might be able, at that point, to put in a timely word of advise here or a gentle word of caution there.  But until the newest victim(s) are ready to listen, only God can do what must be done - only He can open blind eyes.
   But the good news is that He is still in the business of giving sight and He still answers prayer.
   In fact, prayer is the most powerful weapon the believer has.
   So if your heart is touched as you watch others fall into the net you yourself once fell into, pray.  Pray hard. Pray in faith.
   Ask God to make the abuser's messages to become confusing.  Ask God to begin to strip the facade away from the abuser and, at the same time, to begin to open the eyes of those who are still trusting, still unaware.  And don't forget to ask God to deliver the abuser from evil.
   Remember that our weapons are powerful.


   12 For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.
                                                                                                             Ephesians 6:12 A.V.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5Amplified Bible (AMP)

3 For though we walk (live) in the flesh, we are not carrying on our warfare according to the flesh and using mere human weapons.

4 For the weapons of our warfare are not physical [weapons of flesh and blood], but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds,   

I Samuel 18 - 22

I Samuel contains the story of David, the shepherd boy turned warrior. And Saul, the reluctant King turned, well, a little crazy...

If Saul could lounge around on a psychiatrist's couch today, I don't know how he would be classified.  From Scripture it looks like he started out well but quickly ran afoul of God (What then is this bleating of the sheep in my ears...   I Samuel 15:14, 22-23).  Then in his old age, he became a man possessed with jealousy, to the point of becoming murderously unhinged.

Psychology tells us that the narcissist is characterized by insane jealousy and will engage in extreme behaviors to  make sure that no one "steals" what they prize most, whether it be a lover, a title, a job, etc. They are constantly on the look out for threats, real and imagined.  (In the narcissist's case, the threats are mostly imagined).

Saul's jealousy was  founded on reality but fueled by extreme hubris, another characteristic of the NPD.  God had chosen Saul to be the first king of Israel (I Samuel 9 - 10).  Saul messed up several times until finally God sent word to him through the prophet Samuel that He was done with Saul, as we would say. ( I Samuel 15:28-29)    Saul was told that he would be  replaced with a "neighbor" who was better than him.  Notice that God Himself sent this word to Saul.. and Saul knew that.    Yet he didn't accept it - we know Saul didn't because he fought David, God's chosen replacement, tooth and toenail.

When I was puzzled and wondering if anyone else had ever gone down the weird path in icky interpersonal non-relations that the narcissist was taking us down, I found to my surprise that our puzzling person did some of the very same things that King Saul had done.  (Not all, thankfully!)

I would encourage anyone who is trying to make sense out of an abuser's tactics to skim I Samuel 18-22 and jot down the steps that Saul took as he descended further and further into uncontrollable fits of jealousy and anger.

To show you what I mean, this is the first part of my list:
1.  Jealousy leads to anger.  I Sam. 18:7-8.
2.

Interestingly, the writer of I Samuel makes it clear in several different passages that Saul knows God is helping David, but this knowledge never stops him from going after David.  

Even more interesting, while the abusive king can and does make David's life miserable, he cannot undermine God's plan.  In fact, it seems like those years of being refined via Saul's erratic behavior - those very difficult years of fear, exile, uncertainty, and being hunted - were actually used by God to shape David into the successful ruler that he would become.

Isaiah 43:18

The future is uncertain - even when we think we have it all figured out.

If this blog finds you in a time of  confusion and uncertainty about the next step, I'd like to share something that God has used in my life. Again, this was  at a time when we were adjusting to inexplicable changes in our extended family and still, pretty much behind the eight ball on everything.

During this time of confusion, division, and separation, God comforted our family with this song.  It is based on Isaiah 43:18.

“Behold, I will do something new,
            Now it will spring forth;
            Will you not be aware of it?
            I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
            Rivers in the desert."

In times of transition and uncertainty, sometimes it just helped us to listen to this song. 

In fact, many years ago, about this time of year, in the midst of growing heartache, we made a memory - a sweet one -  that is still etched on my mind long after the heartache has gone.  I was at a retreat at the time, tossing a ball back and forth between several kids and in between tosses, I quietly sang snatches of this song to my own heart.  On a grey, almost winter day, singing this song brought peace and joy  to me and over time the words of this Isaiah verse has proven true in our lives not once but several times.

When we don't know the way, He does.  Or when we see a path ahead but it looks like the same painful one we have already been walking, God can make a new way - one that we could never have envisioned.

Psalms 37

     Years ago when our relationship with a narcissist was still in it's incipient stages, I was on my knees pouring out my heart to God, asking Him to show me out of all the Scripture what He would like for me to memorize/meditate on.  Immediately Psalms 37 went through my mind and I felt that was the answer to my prayer, although I was sort of surprised because the passages that were dearest to me were usually in the New Testament back at that time.

     Ironically, right after this popped into my mind, the phone rang and it was the narcissist who got right to the point, accusing me in a somewhat paranoid manner of something that was hardly feasible.  I was totally taken aback and I remember silently asking for wisdom and then responding with an answer that didn't deal with the accusation but rather sought to mollify the paranoia behind it. 

    Over the next few years I carried Psalms 37 with me most of the time.  I copied  verses 1  - 13 and memorized them, meditated on them, and tried to apply them to my everyday life, with varying degrees of success.  When I did obey the principles within that passage, I found peace and joy.  When I was too agitated to do that immediately, I found that exercise, journaling, a little judicious yelling and pillow throwing when no one was around ;),  and praying  Psalms 37 restored my peace of mind.

    

     When I would really reach the place where I felt like I couldn't handle anymore, I would  kneel and pray Psalms 37 and Psalms 73 out  loud and that never failed to help me to get back on track.

    The point of this blog entry is a reminder that the Christian's armor, ala Ephesians 6:10-18, has only one offensive weapon and that is Scripture.  And before I really had an inkling of what was waiting for us over the next few years courtesy of the narcissist, God knew which Scripture verses would be my main line of offense against the schemes of the devil.

   He knows which type of  Scriptural "rapier"  will work best for you in your particular situation.  Ask Him.  Then write out the passage He gives you, meditate on it, memorize key parts of it, apply it as best you can,  and speak  them back to Him in faith when the battle is the fiercest.

    

  

   

You Don't Have to Go Back....

Maybe you have heard this expression:  as different as daylight and dark!  When you think about the type of inky blackness  that can be found in the heart of a cave and juxtapose that against brilliant sunshine on a typical summer's day, you are talking about a huge difference!

I would like to look briefly at the darkness which  the Bible presents, that of the  soul given over to evil as well as to something called  the domain  of darkness  (Colossians 1:13).   The domain of darkness belongs to Satan and the world is influenced by  that domain at the current time. Which means we all lie under Satan's control to some degree or other until we become Christ-followers. Even then Satan's activities impinge on our lives but  now we don't have to bow our knee to him - we  have a choice thanks to the power of Christ within us.

When God Himself transfers us from the kingdom of darkness to His kingdom of light we experience an amazing miracle! The ramifications of that glorious transaction will only be fully realized in Heaven!  For the here and now, however, it means that although we still live in the world, we are no longer citizens of Satan's kingdom.  Instead, we are (or should be) earthly oddballs - well, I think the Bible really  calls us exiles instead of oddballs...

(Hebrews 11:13)   But the point is that Jesus has come into our lives and now we are no longer at home in the domain of darkness and instead find ourselves elevated to the position of ambassador.  Suddenly we have a  new job and that  is to represent God's  Heavenly Kingdom here on earth, no small task.  (II Corinthians 5:20)

As you would naturally expect, Satan doesn't like seeing Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve going over to the  "Light of Christ"  side.  The Bible tells us plainly that Satan is the god of this world (II Corinthians 4:4) and that while he can appear as an angel of light, inside he is actually a roaring lion (I Peter 5:8), seeking people to devour.  John 8:44 tells us that he is the father of lies and John 10:10 says that his goal is to steal, kill, and destroy - the exact opposite of why Jesus came to earth.

So what happens when a child of the King becomes a victim of a narcissist whose heart is pretty dark?  As a Christian, in retrospect, you can see that such a relationship  is destined to become a major battle ground between two diametrically opposing forces.   It's no wonder that life with a narcissist  becomes confusing at best - oppressive, frightening, and dangerous at worst.

At first, assuming the narcissist has also presented themselves as a child of the King, you may feel that you've found your soul mate.  However, psychologists say that within two to four months, the angel-of-light mask will slip and you will see the true heart of your mate.  In those early days, it may just be a glimpse or two now and then.   Gradually, however,  the mask will come off for longer and longer periods of time and the hurtful experiences  will become  more intense.  Yet because of the deception being wielded by the narcissist and because of the wonderful way in which the relationship started, it will be almost impossible  to believe that the nasty person in front of you is the real person.  You will wonder where that loving, kind, "perfect" soul mate went and as the narcissist systematically strips away your self-esteem, you will gradually come to believe that it's your fault that this wonderful person has turned abusive towards you.

Let's look at this scenario in the light of Scripture.   Light cannot have true fellowship with Darkness. (II Corinthians 6:14 NIV).     And Darkness simply does not want fellowship with light.  Instead, Darkness wants to dominate and then eradicate the Light.    And this is what the narcissist tries to do: dominate anyone and everyone in their sphere of influence and through their cruelty, extinguish any Christ light which exists in their mate.   If the enemy of your soul cannot use the narcissist to destroy your faith totally, he will at the very least try to weaken you so that your testimony and your availability to your rightful king, Jesus, is null and void. The battle between the narcissist and their victim is spiritual at heart and as you can imagine, the war can be intense.

If you have survived such a war, you should congratulate yourself and thank God.   Instead of carrying the false guilt that has been heaped on your shoulders by the narcissist, you need to look at the relationship for what it was - a struggle between good and evil, darkness and light - and realize that you have survived a titanic war with your faith intact.  That is no small thing.

In fact, that is a huge thing.

I'd like to close this entry with two items.  First, a Scripture that should be a great encouragement to any believer who has tangled with a classic narcissist:

John 1:1,4 New Living Translation (NLT)

Prologue: Christ, the Eternal Word

1 In the beginning the Word already existed.
    The Word was with God,
    and the Word was God....
2 5 The light shines in the darkness,
    and the darkness can never extinguish it.[b]

Something to think about... the darkness can never extinguish it.  You are free in Christ and as you draw closer to the true lover of your soul, the light of Jesus will grow stronger and stronger within you.

The second thing I'd like to leave you with is a song that our choir sings from time to time entitled, "I Won't Go Back..." by William McDowell.  I can never hear it without being encouraged.  I hope it will be a blessing to you too.

When Your Heart Has Been Hijacked

    Every person has a worldview and mine is Christian.  I write this, not in a defiant way, but just to be clear so that if anyone chances across this blog and Christianity is not their cup of tea, they'll know right away whether they want to read this entry or not.

    This blog may die an untimely death because the topic on my heart is a difficult one to write about. Yet, it is definitely on my heart, so much so that at this point in time I feel I have to write about it.

     Years ago, a friend and I had a running discussion. She maintained that a third person we knew -  whom I'll call N. - was not just annoying, bad, occasionally mean, and/or irritating but that N. was actually wicked, evil.  I maintained that this was not the case, that if we had known N. under different circumstances, we would have seen a completely different side to their personality.

    Many years later, I realized that my friend was right and I was wrong - that N. was actually a poster child for something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.   I found out  about this  by accident and wish I had known about NPD from the start and not years after the fact.

   The  narcissist knows right from wrong but lacks the ability to empathize and this makes them dangerous to others.  For some reason, they enjoy hurting people and because they can't empathize, they  have no compunction about doing it.

     They also operate from a false self-image, believing themselves to be perfect, superior to others, desirable to others, and therefore deserving of praise and admiration.  While they may be accomplished, they definitely are not perfect and  their actual abilities never support their fictional self-image.

     When they don't get what is their "due", they don't hesitate to punish others via verbal, emotional, and/or physical abuse.  Like all abusers, they draw their victim in with honeyed words, seductive actions, money  -whatever it takes. This is known as "love bombing".  However,  once they have the target where they want them, they begin a cat-and-mouse game of systematic abuse interspersed with short times of "love bombing" - just enough "good times" to keep the victim from bailing when the abuse becomes too much.

    During this process, they isolate their victim from family and friends so that the NPD becomes the only source of emotional support.  Soon the victim finds themselves caught in a web of one;  they are  the fly while the narcissist :spider" works from above, from a position of control, busily enlarging their web in the hopes of catching others.

    This is particularly hurtful because they choose victims who are compassionate, people who really know how to love and who are susceptible to the narcissist's manipulative pleas for help. By the way, narcissists are great actors, all of them, and they have a tendency to paint themselves as the victims while in reality it is the other way around.  They thrive on sympathy, often presenting  themselves as needing to be rescued, when in fact it is others who need to be freed from their verbal, emotional, and/or physical abuse.
 
   So what is a Christian to do when they've been steamrollered by a narcissist?
   I'm no expert but I think the first thing is to recognize the truth. Jesus said that if we abide in His word, we will know the truth and the truth will set us free.
    Freedom!  To be free from the pain, the false guilt, the memories, and the susceptibility to the narcissist's manipulative ploys! To be free from the desire to strike back. To be free... to live again, to love again, to enjoy the future, and leave the past behind. (There will always be scars but as the popular saying goes, scars truly are an indication of healing.)
 
    So what is the truth regarding people who can be classified as NPD?
    The truth is that narcissists have an evil agenda.  They aren't just misguided, a little moody, upset now and then  because of this or that, sometimes mean but deep down inside still loving.  No.  Deep inside they are void of the ability to love and their intellect is systematically "reading" others, exploiting others, and then  hurting others.

   A corollary truth is that no matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you increase your efforts to please them, no matter how nice, loving, compassionate, sympathetic you are, things will never get better.  While there are counselors who work with narcissists, the  "cure rate" is abysmally low.  To fix a problem, you have to first acknowledge the problem and the narcissist, by his very nature, won't do that -  everyone else is the problem.   So even counselors do not have a good track record at bringing people out of  the NPD pattern.
 
   From the Christian standpoint, the solution lies with God. But again, the narcissist has to humble themselves in order to  repent, and be saved.   So it seems to me the best and only thing you can do for your adversary is  to pray for them  to be delivered from evil and for them to be saved.  Apart from that, the best thing is to keep your distance.  As the Bible says, "What fellowship can light have with darkness?"  (II Corinthians 6:14).  It's a good question to ask ourselves.

  Knowing the truth, starting each day with Ephesians 6:10-18 and asking God especially to gird your mind and heart with Truth - that's where the first step lies I think.   In his book, When the Enemy Strikes,  Dr. Charles Stanley writes that when you ask God to help you "put on" His belt of truth, you need to specifically ask Him to enable  you to discern not only what is being said but also what isn't being said - things that the speaker should be addressing but is glossing over.  Ultimately, as you soak your heart in the truth of God's word and in the light of His presence, the best thing you can do for yourself is to  cut all ties (as much as possible) between you and  the narcissist.  Those emotional ties can lie dormant for a long time but God's truth can do a deep cleansing on your heart and mind and you can truly be free to live and love again.

  If you carry a heavy burden of guilt, angst, etc, and don't even know where to begin in Bible reading and prayer,  ask God to lead you to a Christian counselor - He provides help for us supernaturally but also through others who come alongside of us for a season, sharing their wisdom and guiding us to the life we desire.  I don't mind saying that I've been in Christian counseling and consider it to be one of the best things that I ever did.  It was hard work but it was totally and completely worth it.

  Lately an old hymn has come to mind as I've researched this topic and thought about it.  It's a hymn I haven't heard in years, maybe decades, but one that I used to love.  I'd like to close this first blog entry with that particular song, hoping that it will mean as much to you as it has to me lately.